Say No to the Good and Yes to the Best!

These last 2 weeks have been the hardest two weeks that I've had in a while.  I haven't had a chance to get caught up on sleep, people and situations are triggering my Bipolar Disorder symptoms and anxiety and I am trying to keep my head above water.

It's difficult living with a Mood Disorder and Brain Disorder.  I may look fine on the outside and have developed skills to cope with everyday issues so that people won't think I'm a freak at times-ha.  But sometimes the littlest things seem like marathons that I'm required to run...like making dinner, calling a friend or relative who calls me over 15 times a day begging for my time...getting out of bed.

I did a training for some patients at Oregon state Hospital through "National Alliance on Mental Illness" a couple weeks ago.  It went great, but took a lot out of me emotionally.  After the workshop, the very next day, our oldest son was very sick and ended up missing 2 1/2 days of school.  He had a sinus infection which he passed along to my husband and then our youngest son in 4th grade who has had it the most severe. Ugh.  Getting up in the middle of the night with sick kids and having sleep deprivation from not allowing myself adequate sleep after doing a 2 day workshop has triggered my mania.

One of my brothers is also going through a very difficult time and I love him to death, but it has drained me mentally and emotionally and again triggered my symptoms.  I don't think people realize that I am not cured of Bipolar Disorder.  I am not well, either!  I understand that they need someone to vent to, but I've had to put boundaries up to keep myself healthy as well.

Coming from a long line of mental illness, my grandma is severely ill with Bipolar Disorder/Schitzoaffective Disorder (Bipolar Disorder with the main symptom being psychosis).  She has been so upset with me over not returning her calls this week that she has threatened me. Ugh.  Manipulation is her tool that she's used all her life.  Not a good survival skill.

So....why can't I just get a cast to put on my head so people KNOW that I am not well and I am sick, too, and struggle like them?  If someone sees a person with a cast on their leg, they don't ask them to run a mile around the track or even walk their dog for them! ha.  Should I just wear a sign that says "I look fine but am broken on the inside"?  Actually, most of us I think would wear that sign! 

I have to learn to keep my healthy boundaries and let the guilt of not answering phone calls or the door just run off of me.  In my past, I would become so hurt and then angry, but I have realized that I know my limits and it's up to me to let others know my limits or I'm not good to anyone.

If you're overwhelmed, stressed out, or just needing some sleep, learn to allow yourself to not answer the phone, return the texts, or answer your door.  Say "No" to things that are good and say "Yes" to things that are the best for you.  Live in the moment and treat yourself with compassion and love because you are a masterpiece!

Anxiety & Mania

"Dad! Mom is acting weird again and she's bothering me!" is a common phrase our oldest son, who is 13, usually hollers to my husband. He quickly tries to intervene before I become full blown manic in front of the kids.

I know what it's like to be severely depressed.  I know what it's like to be extremely manic, full of anxiety and paranoia.

Full blown mania starts from some simple, euphoric, happy mood feelings that are called, "hypomania". That is the beginning stage of mania for me.  Hypomania makes me feel full of energy and like I can do ANYTHING. My thoughts and movement are quick as I attack our house and move furniture around and clean like never before. I'm creative, inspired, quick witted, I write and compose music at lightening speed, I love everyone around me, I'm the life of the party and life is more than great! My kids love my wacky, entertaining, spontaneous ways until I get too crazy. 

Going from zero to 60 in nothing flat over absolutely nothing is normal for someone living with Bipolar Disorder. Rage comes on like a caged tiger ready to attack once released. I don't have time to process it or figure out why it came on.  I despise this part of my chemical imbalance. 

A series of adrenal, mania highs from shopping sprees to spontaneous trips to other countries fill a void of craziness. 

Anxiety is tremendously high which triggers an explosion of paranoia and irritability as well as staggered breathing, sweating palms, tremors, chest pains and stomach pains. 

Grandiose thoughts sneak in during full blown mania. I think that I can do ANYTHING!  It's embarrassing to remember those moments or be reminded by a close family member.  Thoughts of KNOWING I have the next great invention or #1 song to hit the charts consume my thinking.

Mania gets worse and it takes a destructive turn into full blown mania. My mind is racing so fast that I get scared because I can't focus on the littles things like driving, cooking dinner, or even just get ready for the day.  I can hardly breathe because it's like I'm running a marathon with my slurred and rapid speech. 

Risky behavior takes over sometimes from driving 110 miles per hour to other bad decisions.

I was teaching a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) class on mental illness and sharing my story for the Salem Police Officer's "Crisis Intervention Training" a few months ago and one of the police officers asked me, "How, as police officers, can we tell if someone is intoxicated or just manic?"  What a great question!  All in all, I told them that it was a hard call but sometimes you may have to have that individual simply take a drug test or alcohol test to find out.  The symptoms are so similiar.  Unlike drugs or alcohol, Bipolar Disorder is something that is uncontrollable and not a character flaw, but an actual physical illness that is a chemical imbalance.  An illness like heart disease or diabetes.

Mania sounds fun at first during the hypomania phase, but then it turns into a torterous stage with Bipolar I Disorder.  Thoughts of suicide creep in....not because you want to die, but because you can't handle the pain anymore.  Self-destruction seems inevitable and you want it to end, so rational thinking goes out the window and you are overcome with paranoia which can lead to psychosis (seeing or hearing things that are not real).

My paranoia can be about what people are saying.  I see everything, every move a person makes through body ltheir body anguage...all within seconds of when they start talking to me.  The littlest thing from the tone of voice one uses, to the way they tilt their head when they talk to me.  You could give me a compliment and all I would hear is a negative remark.  Paranoia equals distorted thinking.

It's hard to articulate any of this when you are in the midst of it all and that's why it's so important to take my medication and check in with my psychiatrist who has been terrific and perfect for me for the past 12 years.

My medication has changed quite a bit because I am super sensitive to many of them, but for the past 10 years, Lithium, Depakote ER and Zoloft have kept me stable. When psychosis hits in times of trauma triggers, I then take Haldol which works the best for me.  And for my anxiety, Alprazolam (Xanax) is what works the best fo me.

My depression and mania used to be a huge part of my life, but I have been pretty stable for the last 14 years.  There is no cure for Bipolar Disorder, so it DOES hit me once in a while and medication can't contain it, but I always know that it's my illness and that "this too shall pass".

I am more afraid of NOT taking my meds than of taking medication.  I like who I am when I am on them....I am "me" and whatever it takes to be "me", that's what I'm going to do.

Anxiety & Triggers

If you suffer from Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar Disorder or any other kind of mental illness, don't feel guilty.  It's genetic and that's it.  Pure and simple.  It's hereditary. 

There are things that can trigger the onset of anxiety, depression, and mental illness in general.  Things such as your environment, thought patterns and life style to name a few.  If you suffer from one of these hurdles in life, most likely someone else in your family has also struggled, too.  It's hereditary and that gene could have been passed down to you from a parent, grand-parent or even great-grandparent. 

Since everyone is unique and deals with life differently, your journey will be different and yours alone.  It's not a death sentence, but more about self-discovery and how we are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

On my own road to recovery, I've learned some valuable Coping Skills along the way.  In sharing them, I hope that they can benefit you as well.

Healthy boundaries is one of my Coping Skills.  After years of practice, I have finally been able to make healthy boundaries for myself without feeling guilty.  Boundaries from talking, seeing, texting, facebooking (is that a word?) or visiting certain people that need something from me or are just plain too toxic for me at the time.  Some of them mean no harm, others may unintentionally do harm without realizing it. It can be a friend, stranger, organization, job or family. If I'm not in a healthy place, I've realized I will be of no good to them either.  A single text can spiral me into a severe panic attack or anxiety attack.

I have also realized that tracking my daily activities on a chart every day helps me pinpoint my triggers.  Triggers that can cause anxiety and worry, depression or mania from my Bipolar Disorder or even trigger my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

My triggers can be anything from over stimulation from being around too many people for long periods of time or the opposite - not enough time around other people.  Most of all, it's the little things that can trigger me.  So, I keep track of who I've texted and received texts from, who I talk to on the phone or see in person, what I ate, how much i slept and if it was broken up sleep, what TV shows I watched or movies I watched, etc.  It sounds trivial, but it really does help.  When I'm suffering from severe anxiety, sounds and light bother me the most.  The hum of a light fixture, the light from the computer.  Little things can cause a lot of anxiety sometimes.

Another one of my triggers was responding, by texting, to a couple of individuals too much.  In my mind, I thought if I texted them back, it wasn't as toxic as seeing them or talking to them on the phone.  For me, it was just as toxic.  Now, I don't respond unless I am in a healthy place mentally, emotionally and it doesn't take away from my family or another important event at the time.  I felt soooooo guilty at first, but realized it was a must.  That alone took out A LOT of my anxiety.

Another anxiety for me is shopping with other women.  Since I'm still in recovery from being a "People Pleaser", I found it extremely difficult to be myself completely without worrying about if my friends (s) was enjoying their self at the mall. Ugh.  I know, it's crazy but it brought on real anxiety for me!

I could go on and on about how commercials or certain movies trigger me, but I think those are more obvious and I wanted to emphasize the importance of how little triggers can cause great damage.  I found out that when I was aware of the little triggers, the larger ones were not as often.

I'll share more on worry, anxiety and panic attacks later this week. 

I Hope that some of these coping skills help some of you with practical things that you can do for yourself to maybe alleviate some of the stress in your life. 

I'll be sharing more coping skills later this week.  Thanks for coming on this journey with me!

Fighting off Coyotes

When I was in grade school, I grew up on a farm and we had all kinds of animals.  We had everything from chickens, cows, pigs, and sheep to even a pet monkey!   There was one problem on our farm, though…coyotes.  They were the enemy to the rest of our farm animals. 

One night, some coyotes came out of the woods and down into our farm and attacked one of our mommy sheep that had baby twin lambs.  The next morning, my parents told me what had happened the night before and that we had to be the mommy for the little twin lambs. We would need to feed them and take care of them. So, my dad built a little fenced off pen in the corner of our kitchen for our new additions.  We named the lambs “Baa Baa” and “Mi Mi” because of the sounds each one had made.  Every morning while I waited for the school bus, I fed the baby lambs with a bottle while I waited for the school bus.  I can still remember how their furry wool felt as I cuddled them both.

“Baa Baa” and “Mi Mi” thrived in the safety of our little farm kitchen.  During this time, my brother was quite young and was learning how to talk while we raised these little lambs.  While my brother was learning to talk and walk, he had picked up “Baa Baa” and “Mi Mi’s” sheep sounds! My brother ended up calling our mom “Baa” instead of “mom” because that’s all he heard! As funny as it was, it took quite a while for him to break that habit and stop calling mom “Baa Baa”!  He was certainly a product of his environment.

I have often felt like a product of my environment and I have often felt attacked by different circumstances throughout my life.  The coyotes in my life have been Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  These mental illnesses have come close to devouring me whole and literally taking my life. At times, I created an unhealthy environment for myself by surrounding myself with toxic people and unhealthy survival skills.  I finally cried out to God, in my darkest moment, when I couldn’t take it anymore and I was in complete desperation.  Right away, God intervened when I finally asked Him to help me. 

 Like our baby lambs that we raised in our kitchen I too feel complete shelter in the safe and healthy environment of my home, family and friends. I have had to create healthy boundaries and coping skills that help slay the coyotes in my life that trigger my mental illness. By being transparent and honest with the positive people in my life, I allow them to understand better how I need help slaying those coyotes in my life!

Whatever circumstance you are faced with today, let God fight your battles for you and allow others to help you on your recovery process.  Recovery only comes in to your life when you allow it to come in.  We all need help slaying those coyotes in our life!

Overcoming Struggles & Pursuing My Passions

It is 12:48 in the morning and it is officially 2012. There's something about the quiet of the night that makes me want to create, write, compose music and do some soul searching...even if it isn't the begining of the new year.
Knowing that the holidays are all over brings reflection, depression, joy and restlessness all at once.
I am continuing to track my sleep hours, who I talk to and see during the day, who I text, what movies / tv shows I watch and what foods I eat to help track my moods. I call it my daily "Linnea's Lines of Moods" or as most people know it, a "Mood Chart". ha. It helps me with tracking when I am stressed, down, severely depressed, manic or just plain out of my mind. It also helps me recognize what triggers my stress.
Everyone has hurts, habits and hang-ups and taking it one day at a time is too much for some of us. We still feel overwhelmed. For me, it can be one minute at a time.
My hang-ups consist of worry, guilt, caring what others think of me, co-dependency, etc. I refuse to give up my hard core coffee habit!
As the new year comes in, I refuse to do resolutions because every day is a resolution for me. To get up, get dressed, get out of bed (not in that order necessarily!) is my own personal "success" in my world some days. I may add a thing or two along the way such as tucking in a little lunch note into my kids' lunches for the day or taking a 2 mile walk.
As Captain Haddock says in the movie, "Tin Tin", "Where there's a wall, you always push through." Here's to all the walls we may push through, leap over, dig under or climb over to pursue our dreams and passions in the year 2012!