I Love Hypomania

Taking care of myself is so hard to do sometimes.  I want to take care of everyone else first and when I do something for myself (even out of necessity) I feel guilty.  I have learned that it is what it is....a necessity.  It's alright to pamper myself or do what I need to do to take care of myself.  I can't be "me" if I am run down, stressed, tired, and can't think clearly.

I love to laugh and laughter is what keeps me going.  My kids are at that age where they are so quick witted that it catches me off guard sometimes!  I love it, though, and wouldn't have it any other way.  If I've taught them anything at all, it is the ability to laugh at themselves and at life.  They know when I need a burst of laughter at just the right moment!  We played a 3 hour game of Monopoly on our recent trip and I can't remember when I laughed so much!

Our family just got back from a nice family trip to Central Oregon and it was great to relax.  However, traveling sets off my mania a bit and luckily, it was mostly just Hypomania this time.  Hypomania is when you get all those feel good feelings and for a person who has Bipolar Disorder, it pretty much just makes you appear "normal"!  Actually, I don't know if that is true.  ha.  What is "normal" anyway, right?  For me, I find humor in everything and my hypomania makes me sillier, in a good mood and I'm not run down or tired.  I like feeling this way.  I love hypomania!  However, hypomania usually takes me over the edge to "mania".  Mania is like driving a car a hundred miles an hour on the freeway....then 110 mph...then 120...I try to slam on the brakes but they've gone out and I have people yelling at me, police chasing me, I'm panicked and don't know what to do and know that I'm going to crash and possibly die.  It's horrible.  That's the difference.  Hypomania is good.  Mania is bad. Ugh.  The other side of mania is depression (the "Crash").  Depression is like going 5 mph on the freeway and you can't go any faster no matter how hard you try.  The accelerator isn't working at all and people are honking at you, screaming at you, making terrible gestures towards you and you already feel bad enough.

Today and this week are good days.  I rely heavily on my faith in God and use every tool I have been blessed with to keep myself functioning to my very best.

If you are feeling run down, depressed, tired, irritable, or even hyper, in a good mood, or possibly manic, know that you will make it through to the next day. Keep your mind, ears, eyes and soul filled with positive words and images.  You are not alone...ever.

 



Communication and Healthy Environments

Everyone needs a great support system and healthy environment in life.  No matter what challenges you are facing today, it is so important to keep a good perspective and surround yourself with healthy individuals.There are also practical things that you can do to help those who are stressed out or anxious about something and need some compassion and understanding.

Recently, I have been dealing with a lot of stress that has triggered my anxiety and depression.  The key to getting better and feeling better for myself is communication.  I used to expect my husband and close family and friends to just know why I am depressed or manic or having an anxiety attack.  I thought they could basically read my mind! ha.  The biggest, healthy coping skill that I've had to learn to use is to actually ASK for help and COMMUNICATE it verbally to others. 

Men are obviously different than us women.  I have finally figured it out that my husband, Jonathan, actually wants me to spell things out for him in simple terms.  Before, I used to think that was a bit insulting to him, but he wants to know exactly what, why, when and where did my stess begin. 

I was feeling really irritated yesterday and I knew that my irritable state of mind was from trying to fight off the depression that I was feeling, from my Bipolar Disorder.  Somehow, I used to think it should be obvious for Jonathan to just know that I'm depressed because I live with Bipolar Disorder.  Duh! Right? Not so.  So, yesterday, when I was very irritable and short with him and the kids, he asked that one question that all men like to ask women...."What is wrong with you???"! ha.  Really?  Having learned from being the only female in our household, I have finally caught on (at least a little bit) to how guys think. What is obvious to me is not always obvious to my husband.  So, instead of being more annoyed by the question and the fact that Jonathan has already forgotten that I live with Bipolar Disorder, I explained in short sentences what was irritating me like this..." Joanthan, I know I am irritable and stressed out.  It is because I am fighting off depression and I realize it's a symptom from my depression.  I feel like I'm sinking and I'm angry about it because I can't control it. I am sorry it is effecting eveyone."  Jonathan's response, "Why are you depressed?"  Again....the desire to snap, "Because I live with Bipolar Disorder dummy!" is short lived in my mind and I've matured as a woman (sarcasm there-ha.), I decided to reply nicely and say, "My depression is frustrating to me because I have no idea why I am feeling depressed.  That's why I am so angry and frustrated and irritable."  Immediately, Jonathan got it and was very compassionate and did everything he could do to help fix the problem.  Jonathan helped me with dinner, with our boys and their homework, picking up around the house and stayed in a calm state of mind.  He was my anchor.  That meant the world to me and helped me decompress.

Today is a new day and I've re-charged my batteries and feel really good.  Jonathan had a key role in me being able to do that.

It is so important to communicate verbally how you feel exactly, no matter how trivial or simple it sounds, to a trusted friend or family member.  Even if you have no words to articulate it, think of how it makes you feel physically, maybe.  Like you are "sinking" or in wet cement that has dried and "you can't move".  Just trying to articulate your emotions and thoughts is better than saying nothing at all. 

If you have a loved one who is stressed out from a hard day at work someone in your life who lives with anxiety, depression, or any other kind of challenge, be patient. Don't even try to talk them out of their feelings because it isn't something you can snap out of.  Believe me, I've tried!  If they need to sleep, let them sleep and don't judge.  That is a survival skill for depression and an actual healthy coping skill for those who live with Bipolar Disorder.  Sleep is essential.

 Also, try to get that loved one to be in a calm state of mind and to verbally communicate with you by asking simple questions like, "When did you start feeling anxious or depressed?"  "Who did you see or talk to today?"  "Did you watch something on the news or TV that might have triggered something?"  Those are important questions in keeping a safe and healthy environment.  If they are not up to talking, then that is alright, too.  Give them time.

Other things you can do right away to help eleviate stress is to cook dinner for them or take food to them, watch their children for a couple of hours, turn on soothing music, fold their laundry, watch a sitcom or funny movie with them, or if they are up to it, go for a walk (not a fast paced walk, but slow, relaxing walk).  If they need to sleep, sometimes that's all it takes if they are sleep deprived. Or, just sit at the table with them, make them tea and watch the birds eat out of your bird feeder like I do!  That always brings my blood pressure down and puts a smile on my face.

These are just a few practical things that you can do to help your family and friends overcome everyday life stressors.



Anxiety & Mania

"Dad! Mom is acting weird again and she's bothering me!" is a common phrase our oldest son, who is 13, usually hollers to my husband. He quickly tries to intervene before I become full blown manic in front of the kids.

I know what it's like to be severely depressed.  I know what it's like to be extremely manic, full of anxiety and paranoia.

Full blown mania starts from some simple, euphoric, happy mood feelings that are called, "hypomania". That is the beginning stage of mania for me.  Hypomania makes me feel full of energy and like I can do ANYTHING. My thoughts and movement are quick as I attack our house and move furniture around and clean like never before. I'm creative, inspired, quick witted, I write and compose music at lightening speed, I love everyone around me, I'm the life of the party and life is more than great! My kids love my wacky, entertaining, spontaneous ways until I get too crazy. 

Going from zero to 60 in nothing flat over absolutely nothing is normal for someone living with Bipolar Disorder. Rage comes on like a caged tiger ready to attack once released. I don't have time to process it or figure out why it came on.  I despise this part of my chemical imbalance. 

A series of adrenal, mania highs from shopping sprees to spontaneous trips to other countries fill a void of craziness. 

Anxiety is tremendously high which triggers an explosion of paranoia and irritability as well as staggered breathing, sweating palms, tremors, chest pains and stomach pains. 

Grandiose thoughts sneak in during full blown mania. I think that I can do ANYTHING!  It's embarrassing to remember those moments or be reminded by a close family member.  Thoughts of KNOWING I have the next great invention or #1 song to hit the charts consume my thinking.

Mania gets worse and it takes a destructive turn into full blown mania. My mind is racing so fast that I get scared because I can't focus on the littles things like driving, cooking dinner, or even just get ready for the day.  I can hardly breathe because it's like I'm running a marathon with my slurred and rapid speech. 

Risky behavior takes over sometimes from driving 110 miles per hour to other bad decisions.

I was teaching a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) class on mental illness and sharing my story for the Salem Police Officer's "Crisis Intervention Training" a few months ago and one of the police officers asked me, "How, as police officers, can we tell if someone is intoxicated or just manic?"  What a great question!  All in all, I told them that it was a hard call but sometimes you may have to have that individual simply take a drug test or alcohol test to find out.  The symptoms are so similiar.  Unlike drugs or alcohol, Bipolar Disorder is something that is uncontrollable and not a character flaw, but an actual physical illness that is a chemical imbalance.  An illness like heart disease or diabetes.

Mania sounds fun at first during the hypomania phase, but then it turns into a torterous stage with Bipolar I Disorder.  Thoughts of suicide creep in....not because you want to die, but because you can't handle the pain anymore.  Self-destruction seems inevitable and you want it to end, so rational thinking goes out the window and you are overcome with paranoia which can lead to psychosis (seeing or hearing things that are not real).

My paranoia can be about what people are saying.  I see everything, every move a person makes through body ltheir body anguage...all within seconds of when they start talking to me.  The littlest thing from the tone of voice one uses, to the way they tilt their head when they talk to me.  You could give me a compliment and all I would hear is a negative remark.  Paranoia equals distorted thinking.

It's hard to articulate any of this when you are in the midst of it all and that's why it's so important to take my medication and check in with my psychiatrist who has been terrific and perfect for me for the past 12 years.

My medication has changed quite a bit because I am super sensitive to many of them, but for the past 10 years, Lithium, Depakote ER and Zoloft have kept me stable. When psychosis hits in times of trauma triggers, I then take Haldol which works the best for me.  And for my anxiety, Alprazolam (Xanax) is what works the best fo me.

My depression and mania used to be a huge part of my life, but I have been pretty stable for the last 14 years.  There is no cure for Bipolar Disorder, so it DOES hit me once in a while and medication can't contain it, but I always know that it's my illness and that "this too shall pass".

I am more afraid of NOT taking my meds than of taking medication.  I like who I am when I am on them....I am "me" and whatever it takes to be "me", that's what I'm going to do.